It is only fitting to begin this very grievous blog with this verse:
2 Corinthians 4:7-18
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, perplexed, but not crushed; persecuted, but not in despair; 9 but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I am not even sure how to write this blog post that I am about to write. It is not something that I want to write about or even accept to be true. We have known this news for the last 3 weeks and have been processing it ever since. The last post on here was about our adoption of a newborn baby due to be born in 2 weeks or less. We have been matched with the birth mother for the last 6 months. They were the longest 6 months of our life and the most thrilling. We were thrilled to pieces to finally be parents after 1 failed IUI, 4 failed IVF attempts 2 of those ending in miscarriage. I haven't been writing about the adoption on my blog because I wanted to respect the privacy of our birth mother. I just didn't feel right about saying anything about the process. In truth it was a rocky road. I was scared almost the whole time that she would changed her mind. We had 2 meetings with her. We loved her from the first meeting. It was the best possible situation to be in when adopting. We had a great connection and I could see us in each others' lives for the rest of our daughter's life. It was perfect. It was one of those things that was just too good to be true. We would both be her mother just in very different ways. I heard a quote once in regards to adoption that really touched me. In reference to our daughter: "She is yours in a way that she will never be mine and mine in a way that will never be yours and together we are motherhood."
Three weeks ago we learned that she will never be mine. She will never be John's. But we will love her forever. She is a daughter lost, just like the 2 before her.
I prayed for baby girl for 6 months. I did not miss a day. I prayed for her mother. I prayed and prayed and prayed... I cannot even remember a time where I prayed so much for someone I have never met.
And the funny thing is I am still praying... I cannot bring myself to stop. I will always pray for this little life for as long as my life shall live. I will never know the color of her hair or the color of her eyes. Or what she likes or dislikes. But I will pray.
It is hard to accept that God had us join lives for such a short time in order for me to just pray (and give her financial support). I hope that I was able to also give emotional support. Only heaven really knows.
I hope that through this situation, baby girl's mother will learn to know and love the Lord more deeply.
I do believe God intended for John and I to raise her that is why God helped our birth mom pick us. We all have the freedom of choice and our birthmom has chosen to parent even if we feel that it was not the best choice or God's plan.
In Memory of: Reagan Nichole (Nichole after John's sister Wynter Nichole)
Hopefully soon we will get the opportunity to raise and love another child.
We want to thank all of you who have given your support both financially and prayerfully.
We plan to grieve our loss and then hopefully be matched again with another child.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers!
