Then and Now

I wrote this post a few months back before we were foster parents, but I have updated it to include current events. This is for those of you that are stuck b/t trying to conceive, treatments and contemplating adoption and/or foster care. Despite some of the more difficult things about adoption and foster care, my recommendation to you wondering what to do next is... if you really want to parent then do it! Stop trying to conceive (or at least simultaneously along with IVF/IUI) move into adoption. There are so many wonderful things for you there. Challenging too, but the good far outweighs the bad. Foster care is wonderful too (again challenges) but being a foster parent is the happiest thing that I've ever done, at least this time around. We weren't ready the first time. Instead of pouring my heart and soul into horrendous shots and procedures, I get to pour my heart and soul into children's lives. It is most rewarding and it takes away the time spent just wondering and willing myself to be a parent. I am one now. It may not be official, but I am finally a MOM!

I write:
I read a blog about a man who struggled with infertility for 7 years. I only read one article from his blog, but is really hit home with me. If you want to read the entire article it is here: http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/
Three of his 10 points really stayed with me because I have been struggling with my infertility and pregnancy loss lately (last was early 2013) as we have been going through the foster care approval process yet once again. We did this 3 years ago before we really even started trying to conceive on our own. During the IVF process, I was so strong and hopeful. I think I was strong because I was so hopeful. Now, I just don't know how I am feeling about it all, but I am feeling things that are probably less than the positive self that I had been feeling through the IVF process. I want to still be strong; however, my strength is almost gone, how can I carry on. I do carry on though because of my relationship with my Lord, Jesus Christ. I would rather live my life for Christ than without Him at all. But my emotions are all over the place these days and I am tired of waiting for our family. Written May 2013.

I am still tired of waiting (Sept. 2013) It is getting closer though, I can feel it! :)

The blogger writes: (he is a guy which brings another interesting perspective)
8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.
It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

I write:
Even after several months of trying to conceive on our own, IUI's and IVF treatment, 2 miscarriages, adoption where birth parents changed their minds and many months after treatment of getting "it" I still get hopeful and then I feel despair as my dreams come crashing down again each month when I get "it". I wish I could just get the point that God is trying to say that I am not destined to have a child through our biology (at least not yet, see still hopeful). Will I ever be okay with never having a biological child? I think it is something that I will always grieve, but not in a crushing way. It doesn't get me down all day every day. I never thought that I needed to have a biological child and I still don't need one, but I want one. I want a biological child at the same intensity level as adopting a child. May 2013

But today and onwards, I want my foster son more than any biological child I could ever dream up if GOD was allowing me to choose. I am a foster parent to a wonderful, perfect (I can't imagine a more perfect) little boy who I love so deeply it hurts. It hurts because I can't imagine the thought of ever losing him. I can't imagine the devastation that it would bring my husband who if you watch him he is so enamored by this little guy. And an extraordinary father! Because of this little baby (we will call him Baby J), the biological factor is not much of a concern on a regular basis, if at all. Let me preface this next part with the statement that his birth parents are wonderful people who love him very much and are just working through some things in their life right now. They are very supportive of us and have asked us to adopt him. WHOO HOO (more on that later). The only time the biology factor gets me down is during those moments when the "foster care system" makes me feel like his babysitter as opposed to his mother. And they are correct on a technicality. I am not his mother on paper. But I am his mother. He has two mothers, but in different ways. She is his mother in a way I will never know and I am his mother in a way she will never know, but together we are motherhood. Adoption and foster care are hard. Adoption and foster care are wonderful too. It is possible to have two conflicting emotions at once. I can despair what I do not have YET (again hopeful) and despair the challenges that adoption and foster care bring. And love what I get to be in his life and the other children we will hopefully bless as they will bless us. With adoption and especially foster care, it is challenging to strike a good balance between being respectful to the biological parents' rights and feelings as well as showing them how much you love their/your child and being compassionate to them as well. I despair mostly, because though I am parenting, it is NOT official. On some days, there are just times when it makes me really sad and I cry for a few minutes... alone where no one can see me and know the pain it truly causes me. But once I have adopted my little boy (Lord willing), he will be biological to me because I grew in love with him and he grew in my heart (no stretch marks when they grow in the heart instead of the belly!). I just want to love and parent my children (no matter how they come to me) and not have to worry all the time about if I am acting the "politically correct" way. Or following every protocol and rule that the state requires and making mandatory visits, etc. etc. etc. (see last post about "You know you're a foster parent when".  But again, I do enjoy interacting with baby J's birth family (immediate and extended) so this has nothing to do with them. It is more I suppose a fear of the unknown and an utter lack of control in "my" kid's life. The wind can blow and change directions so quickly. But in reality, do we really have control anyways?! It belongs to GOD.

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”
It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

I write:
I have felt on hold for so long. I need to stop being on hold and just move on to the next thing... but it is hard to just give up and throw in the towel on trying to get pregnant. I never give up on things until I succeed. Well we had to... we ran out of money (at least what we were willing to spend) and our emotions were running thin. And my body was telling me that I at least needed a break. When we got the call for the first adoption (Aug. 2012), I was truly happy and I no longer needed to try to conceive. I was completely in love with my baby girl (never met her) and it fell through early 2013.  Finally (Feb. 2013), I have started back into my life before trying to conceive. I have booked wedding photography and portraits and I am trying NOT to do graphic projects again and we are jumping in with both feet to foster care first as a ministry, but also to adopt. (Foster care licensed since May 2013). 

First placement sibling group of two, girl (8) and newborn little boy. The girl is currently with family who we are in contact with and the little boy we are in the process of discussing adoption with the birth parents. Prayers very much needed.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

Foster care is exciting and extremely terrifying to me (Jan. 2013). I am so scared I will say yes to the wrong kid for our family. Or we will be the wrong family for that kid. Or we will say yes to the right kid and then they will be taken from us too. Or I will say yes to too many kids and then I will be in over my head and burn out and in all cases never get to be a parent. I know my fears are irrational and I am being crazy. We are to be approved tomorrow (May 3, 2013) and I just need to be patient and keep on praying and keep on trusting, but my hope is wearing out and I may be so close to parenting.

Yeah, I wrote that back in May 2013. And so very much has changed. And many of my fears were lived and we survived and once again grew in the Lord and our marriage through them. We are so blessed to be currently foster parenting our baby J. I never knew how much love I could have for a tiny little human. It has changed my life for the better and I am so grateful.

To those that have walked in my shoes through infertility, pregnancy loss, and adoption loss; and to those that have experienced other types of loss, I encourage you to put your ultimate hope in JESUS.
Jesus is always faithful. People WILL fail you. Jesus will NOT. Don't be on hold for too long (it is ok to take breaks and rests), but strive to live each day furthering the kingdom of God. And though you have had loss, hope and despair in your life, it has made you and I who we are and stronger and more capable to do the work that God is calling us to do. 

You know you're a foster parent when:

This made me cry... I am doing that more often now that I am a foster parent! LOL
I've bolded the ones that I have experienced!

By Andrea from (Live with Laughter) -

You know you're a foster parent when: 

• You can't cut your child's hair without permission.
• You get asked "Are they all yours?" Every single time you go out, you learn to make a game of it. (Yes I had Rachel Carlson's A,B,C my 2 nieces and one nephew). None were actually mine. LOL
• You hear "Will you get to keep them?" way too many times. 
• You have to write in "I don't know" at least five times at every doctors appointment.
• You want to scream when you hear "I could never do it, it would break my heart." (honestly this one gets me b/c what do you think - it doesn't and won't break my heart either?, I am not a cold fish. It is gonna hurt and hurt bad, but I am willing to take the risk, not be selfish and serve God by changing a child's life who ultimately is changing and will change mine (FOR THE BETTER)" After all it hurt pretty bad when God gave us His son but He saved us all by doing it!
• You look at your calendar on the 1st of the month and all you can do is laugh at how full it already is. 
• Your kids have to go to three different places, just so you can leave the house without them. 
• You get told, "They don't look alike." When one is black and one is white. 
• You ask strangers in the hair care aisle how to care for African American hair. (YUP John did this the first week we got preemie twins LOL.)
• You have friends and family drop everything to bring you dinner and supplies. (Thanks to my mom who does this constantly. Mom (Ginger Drake) you are the best example of a MOM ever!)
• You break the rules by having the newborn sleep in your bed. NOPE TOO UNSAFE!
• You clean more in the hour before a social worker visits than you do all week. 
• You jump every time the phone rings, even if you're not expecting a call. 
• You fall in love in an instant when the door to the car opens to a new member of your tribe.
• You have a "after the call" ritual. Mine involves showering and laundry. MINE IS SHOPPING b/c the vouchers never show up the first day. 
• Your other children wake up to a new sibling that was delivered overnight. 
• You never get use to the stares, but learn to ignore them. 
• You have binders and folders and paperwork. Everywhere. 
• You get excited at back to school sales, you can stock up on binder and dividers. 
• You have a new knowledge of medical fields. 
• You learn on the job.
• You have a community of women online that you've never met, but who your trust and love. 
• You just have to scream sometimes. 
• You just have to laugh sometimes. You cannot make this stuff up. 
• You cry. More than you thought possible.
• You get involved in birth families lives, for better or worse. 
• You take pictures. All the time. 
• You want to laugh when people ask "You're paid for this, right?"
• You research subjects you never even knew about the day before. 
• You fight the insurance system, sometimes daily. 
• You hate filling out the "Is your child doing....." form at check ups. 
• You just can't find the words sometimes. 
• You get the immense pleasure and heartache of raising a child not born to you. (OH BOY is this ever true. Baby J you ARE SO LOVED!!! And I can't live without you!)
• You cry at what they don't have and never will. 
• You own one nice court outfit and hope no one notices that you wear the same outfit every time. 
• You get annoyed you have to waste your babysitter time on a court hearing. NAH I HAVE THE BEST BABYSITTERS. Thanks to MOM Connell and Mom Drake!
• You know there's a good chance this child you love will leave. 
• You rejoice when they stay, and cry for what that truly means. 
• You are amazed at the people that come into your lives. People you would have never met otherwise.  (Baby J you have some good bio people in your life who love you very much, you are a blessed young man)
• You read. A lot. Really. A lot. 
• You have become a pro at researching and know who has the best websites. 
• You weep when they leave. 
• You know the best places to get baby gear at a discount. 
• You're amazed at how quickly they become part of your family. 
• You troll the waiting children websites, even though you know it's crazy. Uh YEAH I really got to stop doing this. 
• You can rearrange a room and make a Walmart run in an hour.
• Your heart always skips a beat with the social worker calls. Always. 
• You have to realize you can't save them all, and that sucks. 
• You have such comfort when you hear "It's okay, I understand" and you know that they do. 
• You are filled with love when your family claims the child as their own. (Thank you to all my family who love baby J so much already!)
• You are amazed at how loving your own children can be to a new arrival. 
• You pray they stay. 
• You pray they go where they belong. 
• Your heart leaps when you get a new picture of a love you said goodbye too. 
• You dread visitation day. 
• Your anger at birth parents can shock you. 
• Your love for birth parents can shock you. 
• You're on first name basis with half of DSS, the police department, the judges, and even the bailiffs. 
• You can't believe the support you get. 
• You can't believe the support you don't get. 
• You're amazed at the kindness of strangers. 
• You get to live in this crazy, messed up, loving, hateful, hurtful and healing world of foster care and wouldn't imagine it any other way. 

WOW I related to more than I remembered I guess I am knee deep already!! 

Intensely Praying

This year, 2013, was going to be the year that I was going to be a mother. I was going to have a brown-eyed, brown haired beautiful daughter through adoption. Well that is at least how I imagined her to be. I imagined her looking like her biological mother. I don't even know what her father looks like. I suppose she could have blonde hair and blue eyes. I know that I will never know and it will always just be a vision that I once had in my head. 6 months of my life was devoted in prayer to this mother and her child and I prayed more passionately for her and for us than I have ever prayed before. I felt that intense pull calling me into prayer up until a few weeks ago when I felt God telling me that the season of prayer for them was over and that I can continue to pray for them but not at the same intensity that I was. It just wasn't good for me to do so. I had a job to do and I did it. I am not sure what exactly God was doing in all that but that He was doing something. Something I may only understand in heaven. Throughout the whole experience, I felt that God wanted us to adopt her, but He never told me the ending to the story. There were only 2 times in the last 6 months where I heard God plain as if John was talking to me. The first time was in October when we found out our birthmother was considering changing her mind but she just wasn't sure so we were hopefuls for about 2 months while she figured it out. We were giving her $400 a month and both John and I thought about stopping our payment while we waited for an answer. A completely reasonable thing to do given the circumstance. John and I talked. As I was typing out an email to our lawyer to explain to him that we were going to stop our financial support until she was sure of her decision, God told me "no, you need to continue to support her." So I went upstairs and told John what God said and he said "ok then write the check" and I did faithfully for the next several months. Then in December, I received a text message from her saying that she was adamant about us adopting, that we were better for her daughter than just her and she wanted us to parent and she was sure." I thought everything was great so I wrote the check for January. On January 8th, John called me while I was in MN visiting my cousin for her wedding. He was set to arrive 2 days later. He told me that it was over that she had emailed our lawyer to say she couldn't do it and was going to parent her child. The lawyer told us that he was going to see what he could do to recover our money. It was never about the money, but we told him that he could try if he wanted and that if January's payment could be recovered that would be great as she obviously already knew her decision when she picked up the Jan. check. I will be honest, I was mad about it and I did want the money back. I wanted it back so that we could put it toward another adoption. She never went to counseling to get help in making this very big decision. I did feel deceived. I felt betrayed. I felt lied to. I felt like my whole world was turned upside down. I think I was in denial at the same time. John never believed it was to happen anyway and I don't think his family did either. I guess they were protecting themselves. I thought it was going to happen. I was optimistic. And now, at this point I didn't know what to think. Several weeks went by and I was still a hopeful thinking that she would still change her mind. There was a month until the due date and another month for her to see what parenting was all about. I am always hopeful. Sometimes I think that is a good thing and other times I think to myself just face the facts you silly girl. I got back from MN and 2 weeks went by. Week One: I watched my friend's 3 foster kids; Week Two: I got the flu from my nephew, Sam. On the first day of Week Three: I was better from the flu and my (almost) daughter was born. She was born 3 weeks earlier than her due date. I didn't even know it. I was still praying intensely through this time. I still had what I thought was at least 6 weeks of hopefulness left within me. I wasn't ready to give up yet. My date to give up was on my 9th anniversary, March 20th. Only because it was about one month past her due date. I figured she would have time to try parenting and see if she really could do it. I texted her randomly within the 6 week time frame with no response. I honestly didn't expect one. Then one day on my way to watch my niece, Emma, God spoke to me clear as day again for the second time. God said text her and tell her: "Hi I know JH (lawyer) contacted you about repaying the money. I just wanted to tell you that I care so much more for you and baby than the money. You don't have to repay the money. I think of you as a little sister and friend. The money was a gift! :) All I want for you and baby is for you both to know God and grow in a deep relationship with Jesus! :) Love Always, Erin" I really did mean what I said and God gave me strength. I still felt deceived by her but I desperately wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, that she really didn't know what to do. I just don't know and I still am not sure. All I know is that God wanted me to give her the money so I sent the text. And I gave it willingly. God told me that He can and will give us more money when we need it, but she needed it now and He needed me to give it to her. So I did. This time she responded. It was nice, it was informative, it included details about the birth. It was heart wrenching for me. My denial switched to grief as I came to the realization that she had already been parenting for 3 weeks. My window of hopefulness was closed. I had the closure that I needed. It was what I needed, but it wasn't what I wanted. The intensity that I felt for them faded and God gave me a sense of peace about it. Peace meaning I knew He (God) had it under control. I was still sad and for the next 3 weeks after that (my life has been evolving in sets of 3 weeks) I felt more and more sad each day. I was suppose to be getting better, but I was only getting worse. Random baby commercials made me cry. I heard what her mother named her more times than I had ever heard that name before. I would forget to just be reminded by the smallest, weirdest things. I hope they are happy. I hope they are safe. I hope they have the support they need. I will pray for them off and on for a long time. But praise the Lord that He has allowed me to move my intensity to new people and new situations.

We are now in a state of mind where we are not sure what lies ahead of us. We have many options, but feel only one calling strongly and that is foster care. It is different this time than last time. I feel more committed to the children that we are to parent and I feel more called than I did last time. Will we ever reopen the doors in our past. Possibly. But only after God instructs us to. Do I secretly hope that God will open and bless my womb. Definitely. Do I want adopted children and foster children. Absolutely.

Coming up on March 20th, I will have been married 9 years and in those 9 years we have been relatively child-free minus the few months we spent fostering twin babies and the many days I spend watching my nieces and nephew. I know I am capable of being a great mother and I do want the ability to prove myself in that challenge and be blessed by the wonders of children. I know it will be extremely difficult especially in the way in which I feel God leading us. I know foster care may lead to even greater and more challenging heartache and heartbreak. Losing many children in the last year (2 miscarriages and 1 adoption) was awful, but the thought of losing a child that I will parent, see with my own eyes, and love may be unbearable. Knowing that they call me mommy and then they have to go to a relative they never met or back to the mommy that abandoned them in the first place. Only God will give us the strength for this.  I am scared about the future. Mostly of the unknown. I pray I am a good and faithful servent.

I think the interesting thing for me now that I know pregnancy is a long stretch is that any child I take into my home is deliberate and chosen. I know having biological children is a choice too, but a choice that many do without ever really thinking about what it means to be a parent. By the time the reality sinks in that they are indeed going to be a parent they are one. Now it is just parenthood and they are either surviving or loving the new adventure that is their life. Good parents, love their children and give them everything they have to give sacrificing oneself in the process and possibly longing for the days when they were not parents. Not that they want to give their kids back, but they just want one day of peace or a 5 hour nap. I assumed that once I was pregnant I would rise to the challenge of parenting, be thrilled and terrified of what was to come and jump in with both feet. God would choose my children and I would be a parent. With the private adoption, God designed and inspired the events of the last 6 months. The thing is now I am terrified and excited about the future because I feel how do I know what child to choose, what placement to take? I guess I will just continue to pray intensely for God to show me. That is all I know to do. 

Struck down, but not destroyed this all surpassing power is from God, not us!

It is only fitting to begin this very grievous blog with this verse:

2 Corinthians 4:7-18

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, perplexed, but not crushed; persecuted, but not in despair; ⁹ but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.¹³ It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴ because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.¹⁵ All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. ¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I am not even sure how to write this blog post that I am about to write. It is not something that I want to write about or even accept to be true. We have known this news for the last 3 weeks and have been processing it ever since. The last post on here was about our adoption of a newborn baby due to be born in 2 weeks or less. We have been matched with the birth mother for the last 6 months. They were the longest 6 months of our life and the most thrilling. We were thrilled to pieces to finally be parents after 1 failed IUI, 4 failed IVF attempts 2 of those ending in miscarriage. I haven't been writing about the adoption on my blog because I wanted to respect the privacy of our birth mother. I just didn't feel right about saying anything about the process. In truth it was a rocky road. I was scared almost the whole time that she would changed her mind. We had 2 meetings with her. We loved her from the first meeting. It was the best possible situation to be in when adopting. We had a great connection and I could see us in each others' lives for the rest of our daughter's life. It was perfect. It was one of those things that was just too good to be true. We would both be her mother just in very different ways. I heard a quote once in regards to adoption that really touched me. In reference to our daughter: "She is yours in a way that she will never be mine and mine in a way that will never be yours and together we are motherhood."

Three weeks ago we learned that she will never be mine. She will never be John's. But we will love her forever. She is a daughter lost, just like the 2 before her.

I prayed for baby girl for 6 months. I did not miss a day. I prayed for her mother. I prayed and prayed and prayed... I cannot even remember a time where I prayed so much for someone I have never met.

And the funny thing is I am still praying... I cannot bring myself to stop. I will always pray for this little life for as long as my life shall live. I will never know the color of her hair or the color of her eyes. Or what she likes or dislikes. But I will pray.

It is hard to accept that God had us join lives for such a short time in order for me to just pray (and give her financial support). I hope that I was able to also give emotional support. Only heaven really knows.

I hope that through this situation, baby girl's mother will learn to know and love the Lord more deeply.

I do believe God intended for John and I to raise her that is why God helped our birth mom pick us. We all have the freedom of choice and our birthmom has chosen to parent even if we feel that it was not the best choice or God's plan. 

In Memory of: Reagan Nichole (Nichole after John's sister Wynter Nichole) 

Hopefully soon we will get the opportunity to raise and love another child.
We want to thank all of you who have given your support both financially and prayerfully.
We plan to grieve our loss and then hopefully be matched again with another child.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers!