Wednesday, May 9, 2012

After Miscarriage: Emotional (Part 2)

I am feeling pretty good emotionally. I am sad, of course, about the loss of our baby, but it is not an all-consuming sadness. I know God is in control and that gives me peace. I am also extremely happy and joyful for many other things in my life. I know that I have much to be thankful for and God reminds me of that during my sad days. 

I think the Discovery Channel really helps me too. My husband never understands why I like reality TV. I am not sure why I do either, but sometimes it really helps put things in perspective for me. There are so many people dealing with so many more severe conditions (in my opinion anyway). Infertility can be painful physically and emotionally. And of course all pain both emotional and physical is all relative. Infertility for some may be the worst thing in the world. I am not in anyway trying to say that you are not suffering or that you are not allowed to have different emotions than me. In my journey, I am happy that God picked this particular issue to help shape and mold my life. I think God has BIG plans for John and me. I am so excited (and a little nervous - I won't lie) to see Him use us to further glorify Him in His eternal kingdom. I say nervous because God sometimes asks us to do difficult things for Him.

Here is a story that really puts my condition in perspective: There was a show on the Discovery Channel a few years ago about a young teenage boy dealing with a rare skin condition called Epidermolysis Bullosa. His faith in God and attitude about life was so amazing amidst his physical agony. He had a wonderfully positive impact on all of the people around him: doctors, family, friends. I think he lived to be 16 and then died. I tried to find the story online, but I watched this about 6 years ago and couldn't find it. 

Another mother's story about Epidermolysis Bullosa you can read here: This is so powerful. There really are no words to describe the love this mother has for her child and her faith in God. There are no words to describe the pain this little guy suffered. 

We all suffer things that last for a moment and things that last for a lifetime. A friend of mine lived 40 years with cystic fibrosis. On Oprah, another woman told her story about how she was badly burned over her entire body including her face in a car accident at 21 years of age. Losing a loved one: a mother, a spouse or a living child or watching them battle hardships in life. These things to me are so painful emotionally and physically and last a lifetime. I admire the strength of those that are suffering, but are also leaning on the strength of the Lord. My miscarriage is one of those sufferings that for me only lasted for a moment (in the scheme of my life). The physical pain was over in 12 hours. The emotional pain a few weeks. I know for me, my infertility allows me to recognize my overall health and the good things in my life. 

I don't claim to understand much of anything that God does. God really works in mysterious ways. I just try to follow, pray and trust Him. Why do I only have to deal with infertility and not something worse? Why does another person have to suffer in a different way? If you read my waiting game post, all of those issues listed cause suffering. Life is full of different kinds and levels of suffering. And lots of levels and kinds of blessings and happiness.

God doesn't want us to suffer. He only wants the best for us. He allows suffering because of the fall of man. We chose suffering by not following God's original plan. God could end it all, but He wants us to choose Him by our own free will. He doesn't want to force a relationship with Him, even though He wants one with all of us desperately.

I just find it completely fascinating that God follows a curse by a blessing. For example, because of the sin of Adam and Eve we were cursed to die, eternal separation from God. Pain was brought into this world – even horrific pain like I mentioned above. However, God blessed us by bringing redemption to us through Jesus' death on the cross. We no longer have eternal death, but eternal life for all who believe in Him. To all those that suffer, no matter the level of pain, it will all be removed and you will be restored to a heavenly glory after this life. 

The birth of a child is painful, a curse given to us because Eve gave Adam the apple. God allowed us to suffer the pains of childbirth, but then gives us the blessing of children. Often followed by a certain level of memory loss of that pain. Drugs help too! Thank goodness for modern medicine! On a lighter-funny side note: the tantrums children throw are the curse, but the smiles they give us and laughter they bring is the blessing. With my miscarriage the curse is the emotional pain of losing a child and the physical pain of losing that child, but my blessing is the closeness that it has brought John's and my relationship to each other and to God. Through infertility and IVF, we have learned to pray together almost everyday. Possibly something we may have never committed to otherwise. This is the one thing that makes our marriage work. 

I look at it this way... God has bigger plans for us. I can only imagine what God is preparing us for. I think it is going to be amazing. I want God to use us in a BIG way. I can't wait for that challenge. I am sure it will be difficult and awesome at the same time. I think maybe if God gave us children the easy way we wouldn't be prepared for His bigger plan for our life. Maybe we will be surprisingly blessed by a biological baby in our 40's, then again maybe not, it doesn't always work that way. We will be blessed with children. I am sure of that! Adoption is not for the faint of heart, and God is preparing our hearts right now. I am so excited about the possibilities of adoption.

These years of infertility are giving us the strength to be masters at what God has next. I am eternally grateful for what He has taught me through all of this. Pray for us as God uses us in His way and His time!

After Miscarriage: Physical (Part 1)

In my last post, I was waiting for the "horror movie" to start and I am sad to report that it was indeed close to horror movie status. Those online bloggers weren't kidding... but I am happy to report that my miscarriage has finally come to an end. I have about 2 weeks left for my hormone levels to returned to normal, but I feel good and the wait shouldn't be too bad.

I actually miscarried the baby this past weekend. I ended up needing the Misoprostol pills to help it along and a week after taking them I finally started bleeding. I bled for 2 days and then had really bad period cramps that started around 8 pm Thursday night. They turned to what I can only imagine as labor contractions around midnight and lasted for about 5 hours. I usually like to deal with pain on my own, but it was so bad that I had to wake up John for moral support. Poor guy, I hate making him miss sleep... and  there wasn't much he could do. I was grateful for the company. I guess misery really does love company... though not how the saying is usually meant. I didn't want him to share in any of this pain. He was great! Thank you, honey! I love you!

The natural process consisted of so much pressure and pain. I have never actually given childbirth, let alone natural childbirth, so I really can't compare the two. However, it felt similar to what I imagine contractions feeling like. The pain was the worst I have ever felt in my life. It got super intense at one point and was so bad, I threw up and that is when the placental tissue came out. I hate throwing up, but it did bring enough relief that I could finally lay still and try to sleep. I never did actually fall asleep. I had John call the emergency line at my doctor's office and they wanted me to come into the office first thing in the morning. We got there at 8 am. My pain had subsided from a 10 to about a 5. Though pain is all relative. The pain I was having as a 5 felt like a 10 the night before, but coming off a 10 it was the best feeling in the world. 

The doctor's diagnosis was that the remaining placental tissue got stuck. They had to preform the D&C right there in the office without anesthesia. I will spare you all the disgusting details that happened there. My doctors are amazing!!! He was able to get the remaining tissue out quickly. It was super painful, but I can't imagine what kind of pain I would have had later, had he not saved my life here. My doctor told me if I can do a D&C without anesthesia then I can do anything. 
Now... if you happen to be reading my blog and are going through trying to decide on miscarrying naturally or doing the D&C with anesthesia, please email me at I will give you as many details as needed to help you make your decision easier. Everyone's body is different so the natural process may be your best option. I will never do it natural again (hopefully this never happens again). I don't care how much our medical deductible is, I will have the D&C sound asleep with lots of anesthesia! :)

It's all over now! WHEW! I am on lots of antibiotics to prevent infection. They are giving me diarrhea! (Just thought I would share). I'm just waiting for my hormone levels to go back to normal.