After Miscarriage: Emotional (Part 2)

I am feeling pretty good emotionally. I am sad, of course, about the loss of our baby, but it is not an all-consuming sadness. I know God is in control and that gives me peace. I am also extremely happy and joyful for many other things in my life. I know that I have much to be thankful for and God reminds me of that during my sad days. 

I think the Discovery Channel really helps me too. My husband never understands why I like reality TV. I am not sure why I do either, but sometimes it really helps put things in perspective for me. There are so many people dealing with so many more severe conditions (in my opinion anyway). Infertility can be painful physically and emotionally. And of course all pain both emotional and physical is all relative. Infertility for some may be the worst thing in the world. I am not in anyway trying to say that you are not suffering or that you are not allowed to have different emotions than me. In my journey, I am happy that God picked this particular issue to help shape and mold my life. I think God has BIG plans for John and me. I am so excited (and a little nervous - I won't lie) to see Him use us to further glorify Him in His eternal kingdom. I say nervous because God sometimes asks us to do difficult things for Him.

Here is a story that really puts my condition in perspective: There was a show on the Discovery Channel a few years ago about a young teenage boy dealing with a rare skin condition called Epidermolysis Bullosa. His faith in God and attitude about life was so amazing amidst his physical agony. He had a wonderfully positive impact on all of the people around him: doctors, family, friends. I think he lived to be 16 and then died. I tried to find the story online, but I watched this about 6 years ago and couldn't find it. 

Another mother's story about Epidermolysis Bullosa you can read here: http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/p/tripps-story.html. This is so powerful. There really are no words to describe the love this mother has for her child and her faith in God. There are no words to describe the pain this little guy suffered. 

We all suffer things that last for a moment and things that last for a lifetime. A friend of mine lived 40 years with cystic fibrosis. On Oprah, another woman told her story about how she was badly burned over her entire body including her face in a car accident at 21 years of age. Losing a loved one: a mother, a spouse or a living child or watching them battle hardships in life. These things to me are so painful emotionally and physically and last a lifetime. I admire the strength of those that are suffering, but are also leaning on the strength of the Lord. My miscarriage is one of those sufferings that for me only lasted for a moment (in the scheme of my life). The physical pain was over in 12 hours. The emotional pain a few weeks. I know for me, my infertility allows me to recognize my overall health and the good things in my life. 

I don't claim to understand much of anything that God does. God really works in mysterious ways. I just try to follow, pray and trust Him. Why do I only have to deal with infertility and not something worse? Why does another person have to suffer in a different way? If you read my waiting game post, all of those issues listed cause suffering. Life is full of different kinds and levels of suffering. And lots of levels and kinds of blessings and happiness.

God doesn't want us to suffer. He only wants the best for us. He allows suffering because of the fall of man. We chose suffering by not following God's original plan. God could end it all, but He wants us to choose Him by our own free will. He doesn't want to force a relationship with Him, even though He wants one with all of us desperately.

I just find it completely fascinating that God follows a curse by a blessing. For example, because of the sin of Adam and Eve we were cursed to die, eternal separation from God. Pain was brought into this world – even horrific pain like I mentioned above. However, God blessed us by bringing redemption to us through Jesus' death on the cross. We no longer have eternal death, but eternal life for all who believe in Him. To all those that suffer, no matter the level of pain, it will all be removed and you will be restored to a heavenly glory after this life. 

The birth of a child is painful, a curse given to us because Eve gave Adam the apple. God allowed us to suffer the pains of childbirth, but then gives us the blessing of children. Often followed by a certain level of memory loss of that pain. Drugs help too! Thank goodness for modern medicine! On a lighter-funny side note: the tantrums children throw are the curse, but the smiles they give us and laughter they bring is the blessing. With my miscarriage the curse is the emotional pain of losing a child and the physical pain of losing that child, but my blessing is the closeness that it has brought John's and my relationship to each other and to God. Through infertility and IVF, we have learned to pray together almost everyday. Possibly something we may have never committed to otherwise. This is the one thing that makes our marriage work. 

I look at it this way... God has bigger plans for us. I can only imagine what God is preparing us for. I think it is going to be amazing. I want God to use us in a BIG way. I can't wait for that challenge. I am sure it will be difficult and awesome at the same time. I think maybe if God gave us children the easy way we wouldn't be prepared for His bigger plan for our life. Maybe we will be surprisingly blessed by a biological baby in our 40's, then again maybe not, it doesn't always work that way. We will be blessed with children. I am sure of that! Adoption is not for the faint of heart, and God is preparing our hearts right now. I am so excited about the possibilities of adoption.

These years of infertility are giving us the strength to be masters at what God has next. I am eternally grateful for what He has taught me through all of this. Pray for us as God uses us in His way and His time!

After Miscarriage: Physical (Part 1)

In my last post, I was waiting for the "horror movie" to start and I am sad to report that it was indeed close to horror movie status. Those online bloggers weren't kidding... but I am happy to report that my miscarriage has finally come to an end. I have about 2 weeks left for my hormone levels to returned to normal, but I feel good and the wait shouldn't be too bad.

I actually miscarried the baby this past weekend. I ended up needing the Misoprostol pills to help it along and a week after taking them I finally started bleeding. I bled for 2 days and then had really bad period cramps that started around 8 pm Thursday night. They turned to what I can only imagine as labor contractions around midnight and lasted for about 5 hours. I usually like to deal with pain on my own, but it was so bad that I had to wake up John for moral support. Poor guy, I hate making him miss sleep... and  there wasn't much he could do. I was grateful for the company. I guess misery really does love company... though not how the saying is usually meant. I didn't want him to share in any of this pain. He was great! Thank you, honey! I love you!

The natural process consisted of so much pressure and pain. I have never actually given childbirth, let alone natural childbirth, so I really can't compare the two. However, it felt similar to what I imagine contractions feeling like. The pain was the worst I have ever felt in my life. It got super intense at one point and was so bad, I threw up and that is when the placental tissue came out. I hate throwing up, but it did bring enough relief that I could finally lay still and try to sleep. I never did actually fall asleep. I had John call the emergency line at my doctor's office and they wanted me to come into the office first thing in the morning. We got there at 8 am. My pain had subsided from a 10 to about a 5. Though pain is all relative. The pain I was having as a 5 felt like a 10 the night before, but coming off a 10 it was the best feeling in the world. 

The doctor's diagnosis was that the remaining placental tissue got stuck. They had to preform the D&C right there in the office without anesthesia. I will spare you all the disgusting details that happened there. My doctors are amazing!!! He was able to get the remaining tissue out quickly. It was super painful, but I can't imagine what kind of pain I would have had later, had he not saved my life here. My doctor told me if I can do a D&C without anesthesia then I can do anything. 

   

Now... if you happen to be reading my blog and are going through trying to decide on miscarrying naturally or doing the D&C with anesthesia, please email me at zejuphoto@gmail.com. I will give you as many details as needed to help you make your decision easier. Everyone's body is different so the natural process may be your best option. I will never do it natural again (hopefully this never happens again). I don't care how much our medical deductible is, I will have the D&C sound asleep with lots of anesthesia! :)

It's all over now! WHEW! I am on lots of antibiotics to prevent infection. They are giving me diarrhea! (Just thought I would share). I'm just waiting for my hormone levels to go back to normal. 

Nothing comes easy and fast...

Doctor's appointment went well... I guess. As well as these things go... I don't have to have the D&C surgery. The gestational sac has almost completely cleared my uterus. Sorry this topic is kinda gross... but this is an infertility blog so you must be prepared for some medical mumbo jumbo and let's face it, the human body is amazing, but very gross and disgusting sometimes. I still have the remainder of my uterine lining to pass. I am not sure what all that consists of, but it sounds like I am going to have a very heavy period. I have been doing lots of reading online about using misoprostol (bad idea to read online) and it was like reading people's miscarriage horror stories. I expected lots of pain, cramps, fainting, vomiting, diarrhea, and a blood bath. So far nothing has been too bad. I am still waiting for the blood bath. Hopefully that is not too bad also.

The good news... no surgery, I get to keep my $2500. The bad news... I am still waiting for the blood bath!

Big Sigh...

As of this coming Tuesday I have been technically pregnant for 12 weeks. With a healthy pregnancy, I would be coming to the end of the first trimester. It has been 4 weeks since our 8 week ultrasound where we found out our baby(ies) did not have a heartbeat. I have been praying and hoping that God would just induce this miscarriage on His own without help from any medication. Unfortunately it appears that I have a "missed miscarriage". 

DEFINITION: 'missed miscarriage' is when the baby dies, but the woman's cervix stays closed, there is no bleeding and the baby continues to stay inside the uterus. Some people also refer to this as a 'silent miscarriage'. A missed miscarriage is not usually discovered until several days or weeks after the baby has died. The baby does not grow and the size of the woman's uterus does not increase. Some women will notice that their pregnancy signs (tender breasts, nausea, tiredness etc.) disappear, but others will continue to 'feel pregnant' if the placental tissue continues to release hormones into their system (including the hormone that makes a pregnancy test turn 'positive'). A few women will not experience as many early pregnancy discomforts (which can be normal) making their physical changes harder to detect. In many cases, the woman will believe that her pregnancy is progressing, as her body continues to carry the baby, not recognizing or reacting to the loss. 

I have had no bleeding whatsoever and in my opinion some of my pregnancy symptoms continued and others diminished. The doctor has been seeing me once a week for the last 4 weeks to do a vaginal ultrasound (did I mention how sick of these I am getting) and has suggested to do a D&C or have me take Misoprostol, a drug used to help along a miscarriage. It is scary stuff too, because it is also used for women who want to have an abortion. It is suppose to soften the cervix and cause heavy bleeding to expel the contents of the uterus. Not to mention the long list of scary side effects – diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, cramping. My nurse told me that it would be extremely painful and cause me to cramp and expel the pregnancy. I was suppose to take it about a week ago and chickened out. Part of me was holding onto false hope that maybe this week I would finally see something different on the ultrasound. I didn't want to be too hasty and terminate a perfectly good pregnancy. My doctor is really good and felt the same way; that is why we have waited so long to move this missed miscarriage along. 

At my last appointment this past Thursday, I had my beta redone and it has declined from 16,000 two weeks ago to 3,000 this past week. I have now fully accepted the fact that this pregnancy is over and I am ready to finally finish it and let the healing process – both physically and emotionally begin. 

The choices are sad... It is really picking the lesser of 2 evils and I was so scared to pick one. The pills cost $4.40 and the D&C is going to be $2500 deductible. The risks with both are about equal. This was one of the hardest decisions of my life and for the first time I have not been handling it too well. I tend to withdraw when I am dealing emotionally. Also, I am mad! I am mad that I have to pick one. I wish God could have just taken care of this for me. And I am mad that we actually have money in cash to use on this surgery, yet I would rather spend it on a nice relaxing vacation instead of surgery. On the other hand, God once again has provided the money to take care of this problem too, like He always does. 

4/26/12, THURSDAY NIGHT after my dr. appt that morning: I decided to go ahead and induce the miscarry by taking these vaginal suppositories instead of opting for the D&C surgery. I took the pills to speed it along b/c I can't take it anymore. The annoying thing about it is I took the darn pills and I haven't even messed up a pad in 3 days. I have only had light pink spotting when I wipe so it looks like I am going to have to have the surgery anyway. It will prob. be scheduled for this coming week. I have another appt. on Monday 4/30/12. At least it will be all over with in a few days and I can try to go back to normal. 

I have been in an especially bad mood the last few days. I feel bad for John b/c he prob. has no idea what to do with me. I just want to be left alone. I was dealing with this well in the beginning and he was suffering and now that all the physical pain part is happening, I am the one to not deal as well both emotionally and physically.

Infertility sucks the life out of you. Trying on our own was frustrating when we kept on getting negative results. But the true frustrations began when trying through treatment began. We have been at treatment since Feb. 2011. So only a little over a yr. for us and I am ready to quit after every unsuccessful try. It's exhausting. I want to keep trying, but at times it is just too hard to do so. I change my mind almost every other day about it. 

BIG SIGH....

Meet John & Erin (Adoption Packet)

We are still seeking guidance from the Lord in our hopes to start our family. We would like to pursue adoption as well as another round or two of IVF. We are planning to do an FET cycle in July to use our 2 remaining frozen embryos. However, we are also excited about the possibilities of adoption. If any of you know of anyone seeking to choose an adoption plan for their child, please show them our information and blog and maybe we will all be a great fit for each other. See below for the adoption packet that I designed for birth families to initially get a glimpse of who were are as an adoptive couple.

If you have trouble reading the type, email me and I will send you a pdf copy or printed copy if you prefer of the adoption packet. Email me at zejuphoto@gmail.com 

The waiting game...

It is funny that life is all about waiting. The older I get the more I realize that God uses waiting to strengthen and deepen our relationship with Him.

Everyone has to wait for things. Children have to wait to finally be grown up; wait for that special toy; wait for your time-out to be over (3 minutes can be so long when you are 3 yrs. old); Adolescences and adults wait to finish high school and then college; wait to find out if you were hired for your dream job; wait for your house to sell; wait for the results of a test; or more scary wait for the results for medical tests; wait to pass kidney stones; wait to heal from the flu; wait to turn 16 so you can finally date and drive a car; wait for God to show you who is your one true love by falling in love and getting married; wait to work things out with your husband or wife; wait for reconciliation with friends, family and spouses; wait for your divorce to be final; wait to heal from divorce; wait for that much anticipated vacation; wait to get pregnant; wait to hear a heartbeat; wait to see if the baby is healthy; wait to give birth; wait to recover from childbirth; wait to lose the baby weight; wait for an adoption to be final; wait to see if the birth mother will change her mind; wait for foster care license to be finalized; when you have children, wait and worry about who they will grow up to be and if you did a good job parenting; wait for those same children to come home on time from dates...

The waiting cycle continues and goes on and on and on...  constantly waiting for God's timing on everything (not to mention waiting for everyone to tell you that all you need to do is wait on God's timing... duh);

Waiting for God to show you answers to certain prayers; waiting for God to show you your ministry/purpose in life...

We are currently in the waiting game with so many other people – just for different things.

Remember that no matter what your wait is for that others are struggling too and need just as much support as you.

My waiting game right now is waiting to miscarry. The doctor said that I would – the baby has no heartbeat. Is the doctor right? He must be, he's the doctor. I have to wait for my blood hcg levels to go to zero from 16,000. That could takes weeks, the nurse told me on the phone a few days ago. The hardest part of all of this is the wait. I can't stand looking and feeling pregnant, yet there is no baby or possibly a dead baby inside of me – just waiting to come out. Two weeks ago, I was starting to feel proud to show off my growing baby bump and now I am trying to hide it. Hoping and praying that the weather remains cold so that I can still wear my baggy sweatshirts. Hoping and praying that I lose 10 lbs. immediately upon the miscarriage so that I can at least look and feel somewhat normal again.

I know for me, I never thought about this part of a miscarriage. Maybe most women just miscarry and were surprised to miscarry. With IVF, everything is monitored so closely that lucky for me? I get to find out earlier than most what is to happen in a few weeks. Some people would like to be prepared in such a way, but I would rather just get this over with. I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday to check blood levels once again and another vaginal ultrasound (I can't wait for these to be over). I can't even count how many of those I have had in the last 6 months. It is one thing to get them knowing you will get to meet your baby in a few months, but it is horrible knowing it is just to check the progress of your miscarriage.

Wait wait wait...

What I tell myself during all these struggles is the same thing... God is in control and my life is very good despite this. 

Our heart... Your heart...

The heart... is an amazing, yet funny thing. It beats almost effortlessly and without fail. We are not typically aware of its presence in our lives. It beats day in and day out controlled only by our Creator, The Lord Jesus Christ and Father God. The heart never takes time off and it rarely complains (only when we eat spicy food or are pregnant). Something we take for granted easily until there comes a time when you want to hear a heartbeat so badly and it is not there.

We went to our first ultrasound last week and found out we are pregnant with twins. I was 8 weeks pregnant. At this time there should be a visible heartbeat flutter on the ultrasound. There was fetal mass and blood flow around the 2 sacs. The doctor was concerned that I would miscarry in a few weeks. He did want me to come back one week later at week 9 to make sure that they were not just late starters. With the amount of effort we put into this pregnancy we wanted to give them the best chance possible. As of today's ultrasound at 9 weeks, it has been confirmed that I will indeed miscarry. Today there was nothing there except one small sac. Most of the fetal material reabsorbed and the rest will result in a miscarriage. This type of miscarriage is referred to as a blighted ovum. Thankfully the Lord worked this out and I should naturally miscarry without having to undergo a D&C.

We have given this infertility journey over to God from the beginning. We know God has perfect timing and we know that He has a better plan for us than we have for ourselves. We know this journey is for John and me to grow closer in our marriage and closer in our relationship to God. Possibly for God to be able to use us in greater ministry later. If our growth in the Lord and to each other is the only outcome, that is amazing. If we never take home a baby or we lose several, we are happy to have the only outcome be the closeness to each other and especially to God. 

The frustrations for us do not come in the emotional state of losing a child. Of course, our hearts break for this loss and we have shed a few tears. Thankfully we trust in our Creator and understand that God has that child's life in His hands and He knew what was best for him/her. That their life would not be good here on Earth and if that child was brought here it would suffer far greater than a miscarriage. 

Our frustrations are with the IVF process in general, more shots, more medicines, more procedures, more money, more time, more waiting.... That is what gets us down... having to do it all over again. It is disappointing to work so hard for something, pay thousands of dollars and have it cut short. But on the other hand, this is great progress and to actually get pregnant (something I could not do before) brings us a step closer to getting pregnant again or not (it really is up to God). Of course doing IVF is our choice and we have to see this process through because God has provided it for us (both the money down to the penny and the emotional strength). If it ends, and there is no baby, we will at least have closure on this period of our life and move forward with joy for whatever God has next. We will praise God in His plan for us. 

God very clearly told us to do this last round when we had already told the doctors that we were ready to quit. And God blessed us with a gift. He allowed us to get pregnant. The lost pregnancy is still a gift because God gave us hope that we can get pregnant and keep going. We look at this miscarriage as a blessing in disguise. 

Not fully understood, but fully trusted in our Lord.

We are moving forward slowly, one prayer at a time. We will be able to try again in about 3 months with our 2 frozen blastocysts. We have to wait for my hormone levels to come down and my hcg to return to zero. After the hormones regulate, we can try again in 6-8 weeks. After that, we will continue to take it one prayer at a time.