Our heart... Your heart...

The heart... is an amazing, yet funny thing. It beats almost effortlessly and without fail. We are not typically aware of its presence in our lives. It beats day in and day out controlled only by our Creator, The Lord Jesus Christ and Father God. The heart never takes time off and it rarely complains (only when we eat spicy food or are pregnant). Something we take for granted easily until there comes a time when you want to hear a heartbeat so badly and it is not there.

We went to our first ultrasound last week and found out we are pregnant with twins. I was 8 weeks pregnant. At this time there should be a visible heartbeat flutter on the ultrasound. There was fetal mass and blood flow around the 2 sacs. The doctor was concerned that I would miscarry in a few weeks. He did want me to come back one week later at week 9 to make sure that they were not just late starters. With the amount of effort we put into this pregnancy we wanted to give them the best chance possible. As of today's ultrasound at 9 weeks, it has been confirmed that I will indeed miscarry. Today there was nothing there except one small sac. Most of the fetal material reabsorbed and the rest will result in a miscarriage. This type of miscarriage is referred to as a blighted ovum. Thankfully the Lord worked this out and I should naturally miscarry without having to undergo a D&C.

We have given this infertility journey over to God from the beginning. We know God has perfect timing and we know that He has a better plan for us than we have for ourselves. We know this journey is for John and me to grow closer in our marriage and closer in our relationship to God. Possibly for God to be able to use us in greater ministry later. If our growth in the Lord and to each other is the only outcome, that is amazing. If we never take home a baby or we lose several, we are happy to have the only outcome be the closeness to each other and especially to God. 

The frustrations for us do not come in the emotional state of losing a child. Of course, our hearts break for this loss and we have shed a few tears. Thankfully we trust in our Creator and understand that God has that child's life in His hands and He knew what was best for him/her. That their life would not be good here on Earth and if that child was brought here it would suffer far greater than a miscarriage. 

Our frustrations are with the IVF process in general, more shots, more medicines, more procedures, more money, more time, more waiting.... That is what gets us down... having to do it all over again. It is disappointing to work so hard for something, pay thousands of dollars and have it cut short. But on the other hand, this is great progress and to actually get pregnant (something I could not do before) brings us a step closer to getting pregnant again or not (it really is up to God). Of course doing IVF is our choice and we have to see this process through because God has provided it for us (both the money down to the penny and the emotional strength). If it ends, and there is no baby, we will at least have closure on this period of our life and move forward with joy for whatever God has next. We will praise God in His plan for us. 

God very clearly told us to do this last round when we had already told the doctors that we were ready to quit. And God blessed us with a gift. He allowed us to get pregnant. The lost pregnancy is still a gift because God gave us hope that we can get pregnant and keep going. We look at this miscarriage as a blessing in disguise. 

Not fully understood, but fully trusted in our Lord.

We are moving forward slowly, one prayer at a time. We will be able to try again in about 3 months with our 2 frozen blastocysts. We have to wait for my hormone levels to come down and my hcg to return to zero. After the hormones regulate, we can try again in 6-8 weeks. After that, we will continue to take it one prayer at a time.