Monday, October 24, 2011

Are we pregnant or are we not pregnant?

I will try to make this post interesting since I know I have a few followers out there that are curious to know the results and maybe my reaction to the results. Are we pregnant or are we not pregnant? That has been the question for the last 2 very long weeks, but also surprisingly fast weeks.

We had been waiting patiently for this day to arrive – the day that I got my beta test/blood test to confirm or deny if we were pregnant. However, on Saturday (during Allison & Joe's Wedding) which I was photographing, I got what I thought was my period. Of course there is always hope that it is just implantation bleeding or something to do with a pregnancy, but in your heart of hearts you really know the truth. I was trying to remain positive as we still had 2 days before the blood test. I called my doctor to make sure that this was normal as I was under the impression that while taking progesterone, you wouldn't start your period until after you stopped taking progesterone. The on-call doctor confirmed that it was most likely my period, but that we wouldn't know until the blood test on Monday, which was today.

I went to the doctor at 9:15 am and I was pretty calm because I already knew what it was going to be and I was right. It was negative.

The fact of the matter is I just don't really have anything interesting to say about it. I am not a super emotional person. I rarely cry, especially over things like this. I don't think I stuff my emotions or try to avoid them, I just honestly know that God will do what He wants and I want Him to. I would be the biggest fool not to want what God wants. As humans, I know it is hard at times to understand what God wants and why He wants things to be a certain way, but through the last almost 29 years of my life (bday on Nov. 8th) I have learned to trust God with everything. As most of you know that is a very challenging thing to do and has to be done one day at time and some days are harder than the others.

The thing is if I could ask for anything in the world to happen and it would be granted like a jeanie; it wouldn't be that I would get pregnant. I would ask God to heal my mom's spasmatic tortacolis that she has been dealing with as long as I have been married (7 years) or that my aunt Vicki would not have died from brain cancer. It pains my heart to think of my 2 cousins, who I am very close with and know that their mom won't be there in physical form on their wedding day. That is not there with them everyday. She is in Heaven with Jesus. The only comfort from that experience. Vicki was like a second mother to me and reminds me very much of my own mother so I can empathize with my cousins, but never truly experience the pains that they have from it.

I have a very blessed life with or without children and when I get news that isn't what I would have picked, I can see the bigger picture. I have a wonderful husband who loves me despite the fact that I can't at least right now give him a child. We are best friends and have each other. Some people don't even have another person to pray with them each day and night or eat dinner with. I have an amazing family on both sides and extended family that love us so much they would do anything for us. I have a Savior in my Lord Jesus that loves me and allows me to live with Him in Heaven one day. I have an awesome house and other material, earthly possessions. We make a good living and have extra for fun times. We have awesome friends, even though most of them live far away from us. We have lots and lots to be grateful for. I refuse to let myself dwell on any of this experience with infertility negatively, that is until I have to take my "butt shots" again. :)

I had one bad day during the 2 week wait where I was less than positive, slightly emotional over this whole thing and quite crabby. Mostly it stemmed from doing those muscle injections and I was at my wits end. I was pretty sure it was going to be negative anyway and I kept thinking I was doing all these shots for nothing. Next time, I won't keep taking those stupid home pregnancy tests. Anyway, John and I went to Chipotle and I started to tell him about how I was feeling and through my emotion came his emotion and then I decided then and there that either way, the result would not bother me and it hasn't. I am really doing good. I will not say fine as one of the marriage workshops that we attended several years ago (very good study, changed our whole marriage. It was called "How we Love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich) said that FINE is an acronym for Feelings Inside Not Expressed.

So the test was negative and I knew it this whole time. I wasn't being negative, sometimes you just have a feeling about things. Of course, I was hoping it would be positive and if it was I would have been thrilled and scared and have that oh crap, but still thrilled moment thinking: "this is going to change my whole life for ever!"

The question and feeling I have now is what are we going to do now? Yeah, we paid for 5 more of these stupid things (hey, I like a bargain) and I have four frozen fertilized eggs waiting for use. I will probably do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) as I don't like to give up. Also, I would like to use all of our embryos if we can. I don't think that they are people yet. They only have 2 cells and no organs, but potential people, yes, so I had to be okay at the beginning of all of this with throwing them out if needed, but I would rather not. We prayed a lot about this too. After going through IVF even once, you get a good understanding that it takes a miracle to make all this work. Very few embryos would have made it naturally anyway that is why it is such a miracle of life and so dependent upon God's blessing. I had 2 perfect embryos transferred to my uterus and they didn't make it. Neither did their potential brothers and sisters that were of less quality left to grow in the lab. We started with 10 and are now down to 4 and we still have no idea once thawed if they will even grow to a phase in which they are viable for transfer. So do I or do I not want to do IVF again is the new question? Honestly... no not really. I have had a passion for adoption since I was a child and all through the 2 week wait, I kept thinking about all those kids that are here, NOW, waiting for a family in the orphanages and waiting in foster care and that is what gets me emotional. I may be a weird one, but its true. It brings to me to tears to think that I have all the love, patience and a God who could help us give a child here, waiting the family they always wanted. Introducing them into a new family just as Christ does for those who accept Him as their Lord and Savior.

I will do IVF again. But, is it possible for us to adopt at the same time? Is smart? Is it too much to handle? Is that want God wants? Is that his calling for our life?

John's emotions are all his own. I can't share those... maybe he will write his own thoughts and feelings.

Hey, I did have more things to say than I originally thought! :)


1 comment:

  1. Beautifully put. I'm proud of you and your heart and all that you are learning from this. We'll keep praying for wisdom and know that the Lord has plans for your family in His goodness and sovereignty! Love you!!