The last few hours waiting...

I went to have my beta blood test today. I still don't know the results yet. I was so nervous driving there because I stuck to my guns and didn't take a pregnancy test. And though I am dying to know the results I don't want to waste any $ on a pee test when I should find out in a few hours from my blood test.

1 week to go... to the results!

I have survived one week of the 2 week wait. This 2 week wait has been much better. I am hardly thinking about the wait at all. It does creep into my mind from time to time. I think "I could be pregnant right now." Or when making an appointment to highlight my hair I wonder if I should since I could be pregnant. Today I felt extra swollen and probably could pass as three months pregnant already and I think am I carrying triplets. haha. I think this time around has been better for several reasons.

[1] I have been through it once before (well during IVF anyway)
[2] When you think about it, 2 weeks really isn't that long (unless you are a kid waiting for Christmas)
[3] I have been able to do fun activities with family to keep me busy
[4] Not taking pregnancy tests everyday
[5] There are other things and activities that I have to look forward to coming up.
[6] Christmas is right around the corner!

John 2

Hi!  It's John Again.  As Erin mentioned we are now playing the waiting game.  Waiting has never been one of my strengths and without having school work to occupy my mind, I feel as if I'm going a little crazy.

However, how "aw-shum" (as my nephew would say) would it be to find out Erin was pregnant just before Christmas!  No presents needed as that would be the best gift ever!  Celebrating our Lord's birthday with the news of another upcoming birthday!

Whatever the results, may God use this to bring us closer to Him, whatever the cost!

John William

And now we wait...

Today was the transfer and it went well. Well, at least as good as these types of things can go. I mean it is never a fun experience. If you are a woman you have been to the gyno, just imagine that appt.  x10 but then those of you who have had a baby are one up on me. I figure if I can't take the transfers then I definitely can't take what is to come with childbirth. However, if I am lucky enough to have more than one baby at the same time I might end up with a c-section. If I am blessed with a pregnancy then I will do whatever is necessary for the safe delivery of my children.

We headed to the hospital at about 10:15 am and got there at about 11:00 am. I took my Valium in the car on the way to the hospital and it kicked in within about 10 minutes. It made me quite dizzy and sleepy. After we parked the car we went inside. I was swerving down the halls to the Endoscopy area and a nurse stopped John to ask him if I needed a wheelchair. Haha. I can only imagine how drunk I looked. It was nice of her to ask though I was kinda embarrassed. As soon as I was ready to go back to the transfer area the pill had kinda worn off. I was walking down the hall with my nurse Judy (awesome lady) and I told her I thought I was okay. Then she opened the door and I kinda had to take a step backwards and stumbled a bit. She laughed at me and said, "I guess you can do forward, but you're not so good at reverse." And she was right.

Dr. Thomas, did the transfer and though it was extremely painful it was pain that lasted less than the pain that occurred the last time Dr. Lindheim did the transfer. Apparently my uterus is at a weird angle. I know, I know probably too much information. We asked him if we could use all 3 of our remaining embryos left over from the last fresh cycle and he said yes. If we weren't able to use it, it would have been discarded anyway as it couldn't be refrozen so I was wanting and willing to give it a shot at becoming a baby. The third embryo was only 1 cell so I am not sure if it is strong enough to survive, but we shall see soon enough. The other 2 embryos were 4 cells. I have no idea what that means exactly, but the last ones that didn't work in the fresh cycle were 8 cells. It really doesn't matter what grade and size they are the doctors have said that the best and worst quality embryos have both survived to make babies and really ultimately it is up to God. The RE doctors try to use the best quality embryos.

Now, I sit here with my three little embryo babies, I guess, floating around in my uterus. It is so weird to think about them being in there. For most women, they have no idea that there are actually embryos in them trying to implant when they are procreating the "normal" way. And because of my knowledge of this it makes the next 2 weeks extremely challenging to be patient and wait.

One last note: As I was laying on my stomach for the 1/2 hour wait after the transfer was complete, John looks up and on one of the cabinets was a magnet that looked like a giant bug. I had noticed it too. John was like what the heck is a bug doing in here. He picked it up to look at it closer and apparently it was a fertility goddess shaped like a bug lady (not a lady bug).

This is what we saw on the cabinet door.

This is what it looked like up close. I think she looks like triplets might be in there!

The Power of Positivity

I have recently changed the name of my blog from http://fallopianfailure.blogspot.com to http://barrenbutbelieving.blogspot.com. I was recently informed that calling it fallopian failure is not the positivity that I need for this process. I guess I would have to agree. I believe that God is powerful to do anything He wants to do include giving a woman such as myself with 2 bum fallopian tubes a baby or two or three. Now, I am also realistic that God may have other plans for us that does not include having children biologically or any children for that matter. I am trying to trust the Lord in this and at the same time have a hopeful positive attitude that we will one day be parents both biologically and through adoption.

With the transfer happening tomorrow I am excited... not about the actual procedure as that really sucked last time, but I am excited about seeing the pictures of my embryos and the reality that they could become children. I am excited about taking the Valium this time so that I can actually relax through the procedure and that my favorite doctor is the one doing it this time. Also, with this being the second round I am at least at this point more relaxed and less stressed about the 2 week wait. The wait is awful especially for someone like me who is extremely impatient. This time around I will not take a pregnancy test early and I plan to do some light exercise. I am hoping to be able to continue swimming laps but I am not sure I am able to.

I am also going to write a note here for John! These are the questions that I need him to ask the doctor in case I am out of it.

DEAR JOHN,

[1] Ask Dr. Thomas to let us transfer all 3 embryos instead of 2. And then we will have used all of our embryos!  :)

[2] Remind me to bring the Valium to the hospital

[3] Make me take it! I do not need to be brave this time.

[4] If I do something funny, videotape it cuz I can laugh at myself and then put it on this blog.

[5] Tell the doctor that I need more support on my feet so that my back is not out of whack!
John, if you have to you can hold my feet up the whole time so they are not dangling. Like that time you saved that woman in the car crash on the side of road. They prob. won't let you though because you would be in the way.

[6] Make sure when I get home I take my meds and the crinone gel. Oh and make me a sandwich!

[7] I would like to watch Modern Family Season 1 and 2 that I found on sale at Target on Black Friday.
That is if I am not asleep. After all I sit and type this at 4:30am

[8] Ask the nurse if I need to sit with my legs over my head like Phoebe did on Friends when she was having her brother's triplets. Also, you can come in the room with me. Talk to the nurse while we are waiting. I am afraid I will say stupid things while on the Valium.

[9] I may be somewhat emotional and stressed. Since I can't show emotion by crying, I get a little.... uh, well you know so be nice to me even if I am being unreasonable. I am very sorry in advance.

[10] I love you!

SEE YOU TOMORROW! I hope you are sleeping well!

What makes me happy... the simple things!

When you are someone who is having to do infertility treatments it is the smallest things in life that make you happy.

THE THINGS THAT BRIGHTEN MY DAY!

[1] coke or cherry coke (and an occasionally dr. pepper)

Did you know that coke's slogan is "a little bit of happiness"? I second that whole heartedly!

...okay I know that I probably shouldn't be drinking caffeine, but last time I didn't and I didn't get pregnant, so I figured this time I am just gonna have a few and relax. I don't drink coffee or alcohol so pop is my one vice. 

[2] When people post comments on my blog. I really haven't had that many comments so I am not even sure who is following this, but it is always fun to see what ppl think of all of this whether positive or negative. Positive is always better of course! John and I were watching homemade videos from podcasts and a website www.creatingafamily.org and there was one titled "my aunt jane knows more than my RE". It was funny. Click on the link if you want to watch it. As a graphic designer, I do have to say that the graphics are cheesy... sorry to the person who created it. 

[3] Shopping (for anything, anywhere and with my mom) The most peaceful time to shop is late at night about 10 pm to midnight. My weakness right now is to buy lots of Christmas gifts for the nieces and nephews. John is reigning me in though. Since I can't buy gifts for my children, it is the next best thing!

[4] Finally getting my waterproof ipod shuffle case and headphones in the mail after several attempts of ordering and returning on Amazon.com. I had to send 4 back until I got it right. That part could have been on the list of things that do not brighten my day. But getting to use it in the pool today was priceless! 

[5] Swimming laps with my sister Kate (not Sister Kate) she is not a nun. All of the young kids both foster kids and nieces and nephews have always called her Sister Kate. This is really good b/c it helps with my nice bloated belly from my injectables. 

[6] Finding out we have 3 of our 4 snow babies that successfully thawed and will be transferred on Friday, December 2nd. My RE doc wants to transfer 2, but I am going to ask him to transfer 3. Triplets don't scare me! In fact, this past August both John and mom had dreams that we had triplets. Then again, my Aunt Patt says twins, a boy and a girl! So only God knows and that is still best. 

[7] Going to lunch with my best girl buddies from college! We only get to do this about once a month, but it is definitely something to look forward to. 

[8] Funny Stories that just make you belly laugh! This literally just happened to me... John and I were at Ihop ordering take out and John said: "Do you smell gas?" Of course meaning fart gas! I said, "no." Then a lady came in for take out and said to the cashier "Do you smell gas?" meaning natural gas and the cashier said, "no." She turned to me and said, "Do you smell gas?" and I said, "No, but he smelled the other kind of gas" and pointed to John. Her completely clueless said, "Oh you smell gasoline or natural gas?" and I was like yeah natural gas - body gas. And she said, "Yeah, me too!" Then I tried to explain it further telling her it was indeed natural, the fart kind! 

Her: still puzzled. John: telling me to let it go! Me: completely, belly laugh happy. 

[9] Telling ppl our internet password. I had a client meeting at my house today and in order for them to use the internet they must put in our password. I can't say on here what it is, but what I can say is that it has a combination of words such as pee and poop! Probably something I should have changed beforehand in order to come across more professional. Thankfully, I think this particular client has a sense of humor. 

[10] The funny antics that my dogs do! and of course their sweetness! Their latest... eating leftover blueberry waffles. My once white dogs are now purple. Why do they call blueberries blue when they look purple?

[11] My hubby who makes me laugh! His laugh is the best medicine!

[12] Getting to use the "up the crotch" progesterone, instead of the butt shot kind! I will have to use this twice a day for the next 16 days. Still not too fun, but after 14 days of the butt shot last time I will take it! :)

Stay tuned for episode 2 of "Are we pregnant?" 

Airing on Dec. 16th!

Happy Thanksgiving to my Family!

This week we celebrated Thanksgiving! It was an interesting week. My family and I spent most of the week with my sister who was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. She started having trouble breathing after she developed a cold from maybe the flu shot and then it developed into her lungs. She has asthma so that is never good. She is also pregnant with her third child, so the doctors were very worried about the baby. Our plans were to have Thanksgiving dinner and shop till we dropped on Black Friday. My sister usually has to work so my mom and I go without her. This year she was off, so she was super excited to go with us and then was bummed because she spent the entire week in the hospital. I was so sad for her because she had been looking forward to this for a while now. Even though the week didn't turn out like we planned, I am still soooo thankful for my family. On Thanksgiving day my dad, mom and 2 brothers came to visit my sister in the morning and then John and I got up and ordered Chinese food to bring to the hospital for our big family Thanksgiving feast! Of course, my sister's husband and 2 daughters also joined us. We called about 4 Chinese restaurants until we found one that was opened. It wasn't the best food to be eating on Thanksgiving or the best Chinese food for that matter, but what mattered the most was that all of us were happy and willing to spend Thanksgiving at the hospital together and so my sister could still be apart of the occasion. I wouldn't have it any other way. It is amazing how blessed I am to have the love and support of an amazing family. Of course, we aren't always perfect, but we love each other and would do anything for each other. My mom and I did attack Black Friday and included my sister by calling her when we found amazing deals that we thought she would be interested in. She couldn't sleep anyway as it is always difficult to in a hospital. We shopped from midnight to 6am. It was fun and exhausting.

On Saturday, we had a traditional Thanksgiving feast with John's family. It is amazing how both sides of my family are supportive and loving. Family is my favorite thing of all and I love the big family get togethers. 

As we are trying to have a baby and/or children through adoption or IVF and how frustrating both processes can be, I remember all the good things in my life and smile because I am truly blessed. I have experienced unconditional love from my Savior, Jesus Christ and my earthly family that God has given me. There are so many people in this world that have never had the support and love of family. As I think about my family and what they have given me, it makes me want to give that to other children that are missing this most important thing. I hope and pray that the Lord will grant John and I children to love and support for a lifetime. 

The more time passes me by with my infertility, the more content I become just to be a mom. I do not need to have a little baby. I would love to love any child whether they are 2, 12 or 17. I want them to experience what it means to be called family and to feel as though they belong and were meant to be with us from the beginning! I know adapting to a new family can be tough for everyone, but John and I are up for the challenge and want to show children what it means to stand by each other no matter what happens. I also know that our children will also be welcomed and loved by those that I now call my family. 

Meet my Family!

John (my husband, my best friend, my world... I love you!), Erin, My dogs...Wrigley (the elf), Biggio (the reindeer) and Bagwell (Santa, even though you can't tell) I love all of you too!

One without their outfits!

Gotta Love 'em!

Erin's Family (siblings)

Erin's mom with niece, Brooke

nieces, Brooke & Addy

Erin's brother, David with Brooke

Erin's sister, JoAnna with husband, Jeremy and kids Addy and Brooke

John's Family

Erin's Family (siblings)

John's brother, Matt with wife Christy and kids Hannah and Dean

John's Family (probably the most recent photo)

Erin with sisters Christy, Bonnie and Kate (& niece Emma)
John's sisters

John and Erin with nieces, Emma and Hannah and nephew, Dean

Me and my sister at my graduation from college!

Jeremy, JoAnna, Brooke, me and John at Disney World in Florida.

Erin's Family being silly. My mom loves clowns so for her birthday one year we dressed up as clowns

My mom, my hero, my best friend, my inspiration for what I want to be as a mother!
She is an amazing Grandma too!

Random Ramblings....

Last night, I was watching TLC's 19 Kids and Counting. At the end of the show they announced that they were having child #20. They have gotten a lot of criticism from the media for the number of children that they are bringing into the world. I think they are wonderful parents to their 19 children. They are devout Christians and can support their family without welfare so more power to them to have as many children as they want. And God has given them these gifts so I cannot argue with that.

Today, My husband called and told me of a situation of a woman who is considering getting an abortion today. My heart has been heavy all day. I just want to run to this woman and beg her to reconsider her decision to either parent her child or to find a loving family (like John and me) to adopt her baby. I have been praying all day for her as I cannot imagine what she must be feeling right now. Please pray with me for this mother to be.

I desire to have a large family. As much as I would be delighted to be pregnant, I would be extremely happy to parent a child that needs a family. I do not want to birth all of my children like Michelle Duggar, I would like to provide a permanent loving family for abandoned foster kids and orphans, making them simply "my children". We are seeking the Lord in this and of course as always are waiting on His perfect timing.

They only thing that makes me a little upset over the Duggar's announcement is have the Duggar family ever considered adopting a child? If they are so Christian, wouldn't it make sense to grow their family through adoption, foster care and having biological children. With 20 kids, what is a few more, especially when they are such a strong spiritual family. They say that they use their show to witness to the world about their love of  Christ. Imagine what they could do if they adopted a child or participated in the foster to adopt program in the U.S. They would be showing and teaching America about adoption and how important it is for good loving families to adopt. I strongly feel that every Christian family or for that matter every financially stable, loving family in America should adopt at least one child from the kids waiting to be adopted. These kids are typically older with a few issues, but they still need parents.

It is difficult for me to be too hard on those families that have not adopted for it is expensive and not everyone has the means to adopt or would make good adoptive parents. It is our passion to foster and adopt, but John and I have not adopted yet either and are currently doing IVF. We have fostered children in the past and hope to again. I also believe that God orchestrates adoption, but we have to have willing hearts in order for God to work in our lives.

Another thought on my mind is about forced abortions in China. Click on the link to read about it. It is an outrage. Here is another article about the one child policy and forced abortions. It is very sad. It makes me thankful for my rights here in U.S. Rights that include being able to have 20 children if I so choose and God allows in the case of the Duggar family or being able to be a foster or adoptive parent.

I am proud to be an American though I am not proud of America to give us the rights to abort our children.

My puppy-babies!

These are my babies until God gives me human-babies. And even then they will still be my babies.

They might not get as much attention as they do now, but they will still be loved!

They always pose for me so nicely... and in the correct size orientation!

They all look a little shaggy, but nonetheless super cute!

This is how I found them sleeping last night... aww makes me so happy with how much they love each other. So cute!

Santa, all I want for Christmas is a baby... not my period!

I shouldn't say Santa... as most of you know... shhh... Santa is not real... but it made for a good title. The real prayer goes up to Jesus.

It is kinda weird having everyone knowing my business with all this trying to get pregnant stuff. Most people don't even tell anyone they are pregnant until about 3 months pregnant. With this blog people know exactly when I am expecting a baby or my period... whichever may happen to come first. But since I started it, I might as well keep it going. I met with the doctor today in order to see what our next steps would be for our next IVF cycle. Well actually FET cycle.

Dr. Thomas and Dr. Martinez came into the room and Dr. Thomas said right away, "Well, I guess it didn't work! You had a 50/50 shot and we ended up on the wrong side!" I was like, "Yep!" Then he said that he would be doing my transfer this time as I had a rough time of it with the other doctor, Dr. Lindheim, who let's face is not as familiar with my lady parts! They have to rotate doctors and though I wanted Dr. Thomas to do the procedure it just didn't work out that way. I was so happy to hear that he will be doing it instead for this cycle, so happy that we high fived. It was kinda funny, but you might have had to be there. The conversation then took a funny turn to my wedding schedules for the rest of year as we were trying to decide when to transfer my little embabies around them. It is amazing they can actually pick the day. Anyway... they asked how weddings were and if the brides getting married were young. I said, "Yeah, pretty young you know 22ish." And Dr. Martinez said, "That's good, you might get some repeat customers!" Which was funny because completely unexpected. As a Christian, I am hoping though that all my brides that have said "I do!" will live long and happy marriages with Christ at the center and that they will not be one of the statistics to end in divorce.

The plan is to start injectable Lupron on my birthday, Nov. 8th.... Happy Birthday to Me! It will be my last year in my 20's. After 5 days on Lupron, I will take Estrogen pills this time... YAY! and no they do not cause Cancer in pre-menopausal women; however, I need to stop reading the pamphlets and blogs. These pills should be so much better than the injectable Bravelle that was used to hyper stimulate my ovaries to produce lots of eggs. This time around will be more natural than the last time since they will be implanting thawed, but once frozen embryos. It is less invasive, less expensive and overall so much better. My ovaries get to stay the size that they are meant to be as they will not have to grow any eggs. As I have already stated, we have 4 embryos to use. The embryologist will thaw them on Nov. 30th and see how they progress. Right now they are at pronuclear stage because they were frozen just after fertilization. We are hoping at least 2 will make it to 8 cells grade A/grade 1 (just like last time) and they will transfer 2 to my uterus and we will see what the Lord wants to do this time around. There is a 35% chance according to science and 50% chance with the fresh cycle. All based on my age and diagnosis. I don't believe in percentages though; I believe it is up to God. It is very possible that they may not make it and then we will have to proceed to the next fresh cycle. As I said before, we have 5 more cycles... and as much as I am ready to be done and just adopt (like I have always wanted anyway) I will most likely finish them all because if I don't, I may always wonder what would have happened. I am not positive, but I am pretty sure that once we quit we can't resume the rest of the cycles at another time. We have to do them all back to back unless there is a medical reason to wait.

The transfer will be Dec. 2nd and this time I WILL TAKE MY VALIUM! :) We are hoping for a baby not my period for Christmas, but still trusting in the Lord Almightly! 

Are we pregnant or are we not pregnant?

I will try to make this post interesting since I know I have a few followers out there that are curious to know the results and maybe my reaction to the results. Are we pregnant or are we not pregnant? That has been the question for the last 2 very long weeks, but also surprisingly fast weeks.

We had been waiting patiently for this day to arrive – the day that I got my beta test/blood test to confirm or deny if we were pregnant. However, on Saturday (during Allison & Joe's Wedding) which I was photographing, I got what I thought was my period. Of course there is always hope that it is just implantation bleeding or something to do with a pregnancy, but in your heart of hearts you really know the truth. I was trying to remain positive as we still had 2 days before the blood test. I called my doctor to make sure that this was normal as I was under the impression that while taking progesterone, you wouldn't start your period until after you stopped taking progesterone. The on-call doctor confirmed that it was most likely my period, but that we wouldn't know until the blood test on Monday, which was today.

I went to the doctor at 9:15 am and I was pretty calm because I already knew what it was going to be and I was right. It was negative.

The fact of the matter is I just don't really have anything interesting to say about it. I am not a super emotional person. I rarely cry, especially over things like this. I don't think I stuff my emotions or try to avoid them, I just honestly know that God will do what He wants and I want Him to. I would be the biggest fool not to want what God wants. As humans, I know it is hard at times to understand what God wants and why He wants things to be a certain way, but through the last almost 29 years of my life (bday on Nov. 8th) I have learned to trust God with everything. As most of you know that is a very challenging thing to do and has to be done one day at time and some days are harder than the others.

The thing is if I could ask for anything in the world to happen and it would be granted like a jeanie; it wouldn't be that I would get pregnant. I would ask God to heal my mom's spasmatic tortacolis that she has been dealing with as long as I have been married (7 years) or that my aunt Vicki would not have died from brain cancer. It pains my heart to think of my 2 cousins, who I am very close with and know that their mom won't be there in physical form on their wedding day. That is not there with them everyday. She is in Heaven with Jesus. The only comfort from that experience. Vicki was like a second mother to me and reminds me very much of my own mother so I can empathize with my cousins, but never truly experience the pains that they have from it.

I have a very blessed life with or without children and when I get news that isn't what I would have picked, I can see the bigger picture. I have a wonderful husband who loves me despite the fact that I can't at least right now give him a child. We are best friends and have each other. Some people don't even have another person to pray with them each day and night or eat dinner with. I have an amazing family on both sides and extended family that love us so much they would do anything for us. I have a Savior in my Lord Jesus that loves me and allows me to live with Him in Heaven one day. I have an awesome house and other material, earthly possessions. We make a good living and have extra for fun times. We have awesome friends, even though most of them live far away from us. We have lots and lots to be grateful for. I refuse to let myself dwell on any of this experience with infertility negatively, that is until I have to take my "butt shots" again. :)

I had one bad day during the 2 week wait where I was less than positive, slightly emotional over this whole thing and quite crabby. Mostly it stemmed from doing those muscle injections and I was at my wits end. I was pretty sure it was going to be negative anyway and I kept thinking I was doing all these shots for nothing. Next time, I won't keep taking those stupid home pregnancy tests. Anyway, John and I went to Chipotle and I started to tell him about how I was feeling and through my emotion came his emotion and then I decided then and there that either way, the result would not bother me and it hasn't. I am really doing good. I will not say fine as one of the marriage workshops that we attended several years ago (very good study, changed our whole marriage. It was called "How we Love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich) said that FINE is an acronym for Feelings Inside Not Expressed.

So the test was negative and I knew it this whole time. I wasn't being negative, sometimes you just have a feeling about things. Of course, I was hoping it would be positive and if it was I would have been thrilled and scared and have that oh crap, but still thrilled moment thinking: "this is going to change my whole life for ever!"

The question and feeling I have now is what are we going to do now? Yeah, we paid for 5 more of these stupid things (hey, I like a bargain) and I have four frozen fertilized eggs waiting for use. I will probably do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) as I don't like to give up. Also, I would like to use all of our embryos if we can. I don't think that they are people yet. They only have 2 cells and no organs, but potential people, yes, so I had to be okay at the beginning of all of this with throwing them out if needed, but I would rather not. We prayed a lot about this too. After going through IVF even once, you get a good understanding that it takes a miracle to make all this work. Very few embryos would have made it naturally anyway that is why it is such a miracle of life and so dependent upon God's blessing. I had 2 perfect embryos transferred to my uterus and they didn't make it. Neither did their potential brothers and sisters that were of less quality left to grow in the lab. We started with 10 and are now down to 4 and we still have no idea once thawed if they will even grow to a phase in which they are viable for transfer. So do I or do I not want to do IVF again is the new question? Honestly... no not really. I have had a passion for adoption since I was a child and all through the 2 week wait, I kept thinking about all those kids that are here, NOW, waiting for a family in the orphanages and waiting in foster care and that is what gets me emotional. I may be a weird one, but its true. It brings to me to tears to think that I have all the love, patience and a God who could help us give a child here, waiting the family they always wanted. Introducing them into a new family just as Christ does for those who accept Him as their Lord and Savior.

I will do IVF again. But, is it possible for us to adopt at the same time? Is smart? Is it too much to handle? Is that want God wants? Is that his calling for our life?

John's emotions are all his own. I can't share those... maybe he will write his own thoughts and feelings.

Hey, I did have more things to say than I originally thought! :)

Love,
Erin

1 week to go!

I was able to switch my meds from injectable Progesterone to the "up your crotch" kind? I am not sure how else to say that, but since this is an infertility blog I figure that it is ok. The meds are called crinone gel and it doesn't  hurt at all so YAY! I am feeling much better. But again I am getting myself into trouble by reading too much. I read too many blogs, forums, books, and drug facts pamphlets which list the side effects. I kinda wish I didn't read that on the crinone gel because it said it can cause birth defects if used early in pregnancy. Well, if I am pregnant it would be early in pregnancy. Why would a doctor prescribe medicine if it can cause birth defects? That seems a bit strange. 

PIO (progesterone in oil) injections

PIO (progesterone in oil) injections are absolutely the worst thing ever. My sides (love handles) and buttocks are so sore and bruised I can't stand it anymore. I can't sit at the computer to work on photos and design projects and I can barely walk not mention sleep. Right now, to be honest, I do not need to be pregnant that bad that I want to endure these shots. I miss working out and I hate getting fat! Another honest truth, the only thing keeping me going is how much money we spent on all of this. 

3dp3dt

Today is 3dp3dt (3 days past a 3 day transfer) the cells are now a blastocyst and are beginning to hatch out of their shell. There are so many things that I didn't know about what happens before you actually know you are pregnant than I do now.

I heard from the nurse today on the results of the other 4 morulas. The four of them did not make it to blastocyst. Which basically means that they are not viable for our frozen embryo transfer which we would start in the next 2 months if this cycle fails. It saddens me that they did not make it because it makes me think that the 2 inside me will not make it either. I asked my nurse and she said that is not necessarily true because of their better quality and number of cell division.

Still praying and hoping for the best – God's will to be done.

What happens after a 3-day transfer?

Once you complete your embryo transfer, you will have approximately 14 days to wait before a pregnancy can be detected. The following table outlines an approximate timeline for what happens during a successful pregnancy after a 3-day transfer (3dt). taken from http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two	The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six	Implantation continues
Seven	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

I am at one day after transfer.
My embryos are below: Their first baby picture and hopefully not their last. 

This is them in the petri dish, which they gave me and called their first crib... haha!

This is them in me. It is hard to see but the thicker white blobs are them!

Successful Transfer!

I went to the doctor today to have my embryo transfer. It was actually extremely uncomfortable and painful. The trial transfer they did at the beginning of my cycle was not too bad, but this was awful. I was awake for the whole thing, which is typical. I was suppose to take a Valium and didn't because I was originally planning to drive myself home. My mom drove me instead just in case I needed someone to be there. It was nice to have her there. I didn't take the Valium because I didn't think that I needed it, but if I have to do this again I will most definitely take it.

The doctor explained the status of my embryos and gave me pictures of them. I will post them tomorrow. Of the 6 that were growing (2) 8-celled embryos, grade A/grade 1 were transferred. These 2 were the best they can be for a 3 day transfer. The other four measured at 8 cell/grade C; 6 cell/grade B, 6 cell/grade C, 4 cell/grade B and 4 cell/grade D. The 2 that were transferred will continue to incubate in my uterus so they become a 150 celled blastocyst which will hatch and implant by Thursday or Friday... hopefully! The other four will continue to grow in the lab and hopefully become blastocysts by Friday along with the ones in my uterus. Not all of them will make it to that stage and if they do not they would not have made it if we had done this whole thing the natural way. If they do make it, they will be frozen for the next cycle if we need it; and if not, then when we are ready to give these 2 or 1 a sibling in a few years we can use them then. I will always have to IVF to get pregnant because of my fallopian tube failure. It is nice to know that we do not have a problem with fertilization. And will soon find out if we have a problem with implantation.

I am feeling pretty good now. I am a little crampy, but that is most likely because my ovaries are still very large and I have a lot of pressure in that area. I kinda already feel pregnant, though I know I am not yet. I can't eat too much and there is constant pressure on my bladder. All of this is because of the hyper stimulation of the ovaries to grow multiple eggs. All in all I am excited and feeling surreal because I can't believe that we are actually doing this and could be pregnant in 2 weeks.

Thanks for all the prayers!

God fights for us!

Beth Moore says in her Bible Study of the Psalms of Ascent, "Regardless of how long we have been Christians and how deeply we've studied God's Word, most of us don't really believe down in our marrow of our bones that God is entirely, wholeheartedly and unwaveringly on our side." Have you ever felt this way?

Most of us will try to convince ourselves that we actually do think God is on our side. If we really thought that, then we wouldn't have so many actions that suggest otherwise. Our fears, anxieties and insecurities admit it for us. We think that at best God just tolerates us and we are lucky enough to have Him do that.

I will admit that sometimes I feel this way.

Now, I know this is not true and a lie that Satan likes to tell us. God has proven time and time again that He does indeed care for us. And He has told us so in the Bible, if we just take the time to read and study it. I admit, I can do much better in this area.

I have friends who have been praying and trusting the Lord for a long time that He would bring along their other half. They truly desire to be married, as I desire to have children. I know other people that also desire to have children and it constantly consumes every thought and minute of their lives. I am sure that others also have "desires" that they desperately want and are waiting for God's timing. In the mist of the waiting, it is very natural to doubt that the Lord has good things for us. It is a good reminder: "The longer the Lord has us wait, the better the story will be" ~ Steve Monahan.

And even if God decides to bless us with children, the waiting never really ends. We will wait for our teenagers to come home from school, after school outings, dates, etc.; or wait at the doctor for good test results when our kids are little. Ultimately we will wait for the day when we can finally go Home to Heaven to be with Jesus. Life is unpredictable. Because of the unpredictable nature of life, it is so important to trust in the Lord daily and make Him our everything.

We must not fear that the Lord is out to get us or that He wants bad things for us. If we do, I am more fearful that we will MISS HIS BLESSING.

In Joshua 23:9-10, "God has driven out superpower nations before you. And up to now, no one has been able to stand up to you. Think of it, one of you, single-handedly, putting a thousand on the run! Because God is God, your God. Because He fights for you, just as he promised you!"

GOD FIGHTS FOR US! How cool is that! :) 

In Matthew 7:7-11 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
   “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

What a good reminder that God only has our best interests at heart! 

Again He tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 "I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hoped for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I will listen. When you come looking for me, you will find me. I will make sure you won't be disappointed."

Thankfully the Lord is always in control and there will be times when He asks us to trust Him and wait on His perfect timing. During these times we may feel like God is against us or just merely tolerates us; however, in those times we can rest assured that He is fighting for us!

John 13:7 "You do not understand now what I am doing but it will be clear to you soon enough."

Romans 8:28-39 ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. ³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:
   “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
 ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

These are just a few messages from God to us that He loves us and wants the very best for us. The Bible is full of God's love because God is love. I do not know exactly why God is allowing us to go through infertility when thousands of mothers abort their children. The only thing I do know is that I trust Him through this time in my life. I know we have something to learn through this and whether or not we have a baby, we will always have God and because of Him we also have each other. I wouldn't trade those 2 things for a baby any day.  

We have some fertilized eggs! YAY!

My egg retrieval went great. I had some twilight drugs which have made me forget most of it, but John got a few videos to capture the moment. The doctor got 14 eggs which is very good for IVF. He even hugged John which was cute. I guess he was very proud of his work. 10 of those eggs successfully fertilized. 4 were frozen and 6 were left in the lab to continue their cell division. They probably have about 4-6 cells right now. On Monday, 2 of the 16-cell hopeful blastocysts will be transferred into my – hopefully very fertile and hospitable – uterus. Not all 6 will reach blastocyst stage and the rest that do not will be frozen for another time. I still can not believe that we are doing IVF. It is so crazy to me that this is even possible. So far I haven't really believed it, but now that we have "almost embryos" it seems real.

For the next 2 weeks, I have to have John give me progesterone injections in my upper buttocks area. This will help make my uterus a wonderful place to grow a child. The first night he used the larger very long needle used to draw up the meds to inject me. Ouch! This drug has to reach my muscle. It hurt like heck! :) This was per the instructions, but I asked the nurse the next day and she said to use skinnier needle the next time. My future kids are already becoming a pain in my ass! j/k – I love them already, or at least the thought of them. We used the long, but slightly skinnier needle tonight and it doesn't hurt as bad. I could not sleep on my right side last night and it still feels like I did 1,000 wall sits, squats and any other butt exercise that you can think of. Or maybe like someone kicked me in both sides of my butt. The stomach injections were cake compared to these.

This first video is a message to my future kids... I feel kinda dumb putting it on here, but if I don't I am sure it will get lost in the shuffle of files that aren't client related. I am super organized with my client files, but not so much with my personal ones.

I got bored waiting to go in for my procedure, so John and I decided to have a little fun with my iphone video camera. I decided to imitate David goes to the Dentist from You Tube. I could only remember a few parts from it, but with my Valium kicking in, I thought it was the funniest thing ever. We were laughing hysterically. I hope we weren't disturbing the colonoscopy patients from their farting quartet. Here is my rendition...

I told John to really video tape me after the procedure because I wanted to see if I did or said anything funny or crazy. It was pretty funny. I am very curious to know what I did during the procedure because with the twilight drug you are still somewhat conscious, but just can't remember anything. My doctor came in singing and I wonder if I decided to continue with the serenade after I was kinda asleep. I fully plan to ask them on Monday at my embryo transfer.

Enjoy! Feel free to comment. I am not sensitive about my infertility and I would love to know what people think about all this. 

John

Hi this is John!  Erin has been asking me if I was ever going to write anything on here and I decided it was time.  I have been very stressed lately.  I started a new job that keeps me VERY busy trying to learn computer documentation.  I hate it!  I loved writing notes with pen at the hospital!  I am also teaching a 5 credit hour class and taking a 5 wk class titled "How to Teach Online."  While it is not hard, it just takes time out of my already busy week!

With all of this, I have not had as much time as I would like to sit and reflect on our "situation" lately.  I am EXTREMELY excited and scared about this whole process of IVF.  Kids are AWESOME!  I love hanging with my nieces and nephews ranging from almost 8 yrs old to 11 months.  My biggest dream and biggest fear was always am I going to get to be a father and would I be a good father?  I have watched and learned about being a father from my father and father-in-law and our grandfathers.  Not to leave them out, I have also learned from my three brothers that are fathers to all my nieces and nephews! These men have taught me things that I want to pass on to my kids and things that I want to change. As Erin has always reminded me my greatest example is our Heavenly Father. He gave the ultimate sacrifice and showed us what true love really means!  I hope I do not let Him or these men in my life down.

I will write again soon.  My studies are calling me!  Go Texas Rangers!

John  

The Bittersweet Business!

With infertility, the hardest thing I find is to balance normal life/working life with IVF. I have to remind myself that this is only a season of my life, not my whole life as it feels right now. With up to 2 injections each day, medication, vitamins and ultrasounds every other day it feels like that is all I can think about and find the energy to do each day. The medications make me tired and un-motivated to do anything, but sit on the couch and watch t.v. oh, and occasionally shop! Which I need to stop doing. At least now, I am buying clothes (non-maternity) for myself instead of baby items. I needed a few winter sweaters and things. I held off on buying any pants hoping to soon buy maternity pants. That is kinda funny though... most people don't hope to buy bigger pants. The sweaters I bought are long/dress sort of ones that could easily be converted to a maternity sweater, but if not needed, then would look great with a pair of jeggings or leggings and some cute boots! But back the the bittersweet business....

I love my business and working for myself! As many of you know, I have a design and photography business, Zeju Design and Photography, LLC. I graduated from DAAP at UC with a BS in graphic design. Having to take many photography courses, I decided to include both photography and design in my business. After working corporately for 2 years, I now have the autonomy that I always wanted.
I have worked for the last 2 years doing mostly wedding photography with my sister-in-law, Christy Connell from Connell Photo Studio. We have completed about 32 weddings together over the last 2 years and have had a blast working together.

With the onset of deciding we wanted children and discovering that we were infertile without treatment, I had to make some big decisions. It is extremely difficult to book weddings 9 months to a year in advance when you have NO IDEA if you will get pregnant. And if so, with how many babies and in what month you will actually deliver. If this cycle is unsuccessful, we have to wait 6-8 weeks before we can start the FET cycle (frozen embryo transfer). With the timeline so far, if this works, then I will deliver anywhere from May/June this cycle to August/Sept. with the FET cycle. As you can see this puts me right in the midst of wedding season. I have already had to turn down about 4-5 weddings for June alone. It makes me so sad to do this, especially when I can tell that couples are disappointed. It feels great that they wanted me so bad to shoot their weddings, but terrible at the same time that I can't.

This was my year! My 3rd year of business and it was gonna be a good one! I finally raised my prices to accommodate my overhead and actually make some decent money. I may never catch up to John... sometimes it seems like why bother... he brings home the bacon... and the steak and the lobster! :) I have invested in the biz the last 2 years and have basically broken even. This year I was excited to make some dough. But more than making $, I am extremely devoted to my clients. I want to make their wedding day extra special and do everything for them that I can do. I would NEVER cancel a wedding, unless I was in the hospital dying and even then I would find an even better photographer than myself to capture their day. So needless to say, I decided that I must not book weddings for the summer months of 2012 and possibly even into the later months of the year. I have to plan ahead and make sure that I do what I need to do first for our hopeful future children.

I have mixed emotions at how I want the future to go... Of course I want a family... but what else do I want and how am I going to be able to do it all?

At times, I am excited about the possibilities of getting into more real design work, not just "free"lance. I think about having this super successful business... graduating from my home studio to an actual studio/office with about 5-10 employees, growing to 20+ employees, working with great clients, making the big bucks and traveling the world developing good design solutions for ethical and life changing companies.

Then my mind wanders and I think that it would also be great to take some time off from trying to be successful by the worlds standards and be successful by God's standards. (Though, I am not saying that making money and having a successful design business isn't something of God's standards. It most certainly can be done to God's standards.) I am just talking about going down a different path and investing in the lives of children. Children who need families. I have a super high level of compassion for orphaned, abandoned and abused children. I could walk into an orphanage today and take them all. Or into planned parenthood and beg the mothers to give their unwanted babies to me before it is too late and they are aborted.

(Side Note: Every time I go to Christ Hospital for a doctor appt. or for an ultrasound, I have to drive by planned parenthood. I have to drive past the protestors with their signs and pictures of destroyed babies. It wrenches my heart. I would quit doing IVF now if I could save just one of them. On my way home I have contemplated many times standing outside and telling those mothers that they have another option - me.)

I would love to adopt both domestically and internationally and work with foster children (adopting them too, if needed). But, if they are not adoptable, then taking the time that they are with us to help them develop the life skills that they need: learning about Christ and what it means to be in a loving family and working through the pain of their past. With these skills and the Lord's help, they can hopefully help their biological family grow to a new place. Ultimately accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of their life and helping their parents to come to the same decision. With this chain of events, the foster child can stop the cycle of abuse and neglect in their families. I would love to be a part of that! :) I make it sound easy... it wouldn't be... possibly more difficult than having a successful design business. If this was my path/calling in life as I do feel it to be... then it would be full time job. Would I have to give up my business? I just don't know... I would if that is what God called me to do.

I am not superwoman, I can not do it all, even if I want to. At times, it all seems so overwhelming and my mind wanders again to now... my life... which for the most part is calm and stress-free. John helps with this, of course, by providing for my needs: both emotionally and financially. I know even with one new baby (a biological baby) through IVF, as big a blessing as that is, it will change my life forever! It will change it both for the good and also be difficult at times. So now, I think just enjoy these moments: take time off to rest, relax and grow a baby in my belly! This may be the most peaceful time of my life. But those who have had children say that having children is the best times of their lives and I think that they are right! This time of relaxing would all include for me sleeping in, watching t.v., trying out new recipes (I made the best homemade egg rolls today), spending time with John and our families, swimming at the rec center and walking my dogs and I am also contemplating/praying about volunteering somewhere... maybe the Crisis Pregnancy Center. I am working too... so feel free to call me if you have any design or photography needs.

When/if the baby/babies come... then what? I have never wanted to be so tired from working full time and growing a successful business that I do not get to fully enjoy my children. I have also heard though that you need that adult time to fully enjoy your children. Maybe I am naive and it will all work out as so many things do. God is good! These are just thoughts that I think about sometimes. I admire women/moms that can work, keep house, do laundry, take care of kids/spouse/extended family, have a ministry, be in Bible studies, plan church events and everything else under the sun... but they are also often exhausted and I do not want to be exhausted all the time. Who does!

The amazing thing is with me finally making the decision to not book weddings the Lord has provided in so many ways. John has a new job 5 miles from the house making tons more money than he did before. With his Physical Therapy job and teaching job at Sinclair Community College, he has replaced my salary and then some. God has given me other jobs to do besides wedding. I have some paying design projects in the works and other smaller photography sessions too. I am amazed at how God provides for us exactly what we need when we need it. I am very thankful that He is in control of my life and no matter what I choose to do, wtih God's help, I can be successful in His eyes and that is all that matters.

I want to most importantly serve God, Christ and my family. I am most happy when I am making a difference for HIS kingdom. I will continue to pray that God guides us and that I can remain content in a time where many things are unpredictable and I feel like I am just waiting for the next big thing!